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Old December 30th, 2008, 05:38 AM   #1
tbomber
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Default I don't know what to think.....

When I was 13, and 18 year old guy who i'd met only once made me give him oral sex. This was my first experience past making out. As I grew from elementary to middle to high school, it became clear I was developing a severe anxiety disorder so in HS I began treatment for it. The Dr. overmedicated me with benzos (ativan, klonopin, etc..) and mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics (most of which i didn't need) at doses that they don't even give to vietnam veterans. I also smoked pot, drank, and started experimenting with drugs like many high schoolers do. As a freshman, i met a sophmore who i really came to like, so much that a year later right before i turned 16, we lost our virginities to each other. but he always kept me a secret to EVERYONE, for almost 3 years (including after he graduated). this tore away at me and definitely contributed to my increased drug use, mostly alcohol, my prescription pills, pot, coke, and mushrooms. I don't have a lot of memory of what happened that year until i was hospitalized for problems with the prescriptions (i knew it was coming so i was able to have clean drug tests except pot). but during the fuzzy times i have two distinct memories of 1. a night where i was very messed up, and woke up in a dealer's bed with no memory whatsoever of the last night and blood on my thighs. 2. a different older man, and being in a room with him where we were getting intimate, but then he tied me up and started hitting me, and i was crying.... and thats where the memory ends. I don't know if that makes me a victim or just a druggie slut. Now i feel like a sexual object to any man who is interested, and then those who genuinely like me scare me. I haven't had a long term relationship ever. I have had only one or two boyfriends who lasted past a month. I am scared that my past is going to ruin the rest of my life because i have become more and more introverted and i feel like i'm losing any grip i had on being a social, fun, outgoing person. If anyone can relate to this, any words of wisdom?
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Old February 6th, 2009, 08:31 PM   #2
kraftykid
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You can be very thankful that after all those drugs you are still alive. The only words of wisdom I can give you is to seek the help of a therapist. It will be a hard walk to walk but well worth the effort.
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Old January 15th, 2010, 05:38 PM   #3
EmoKitty666
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You're definitely a victim, not a slut. Anything done while on drugs or alcohol without consent beforehand can be considered rape. I agree that you should see a therapist, and you should work on self esteem. No woman is simply a "sexual object" for anyone. It's understandable for you to turn to drugs after something like that, especially with the anxiety problems. And I can definitely relate. My stepdad raped me and was very abusive when I was around that age and I started drinking heavily as well as pot, but the important thing is the present. I'm now working on getting past the anorexia it caused as well as anxiety and other problems, but I'm also working on a English degree. It's all about putting forth effort and remembering the past doesn't define the future. I know you can do it
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Old January 20th, 2010, 10:18 PM   #4
April
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Love helped me. Find a place full of nice people, like a support group, church, or a good social club. Learning to love other people was the first step in learning to love myself. I also found that in learning to love others and seeking out their good points, after a while I started to forget my own insecurities. If you start with people of the same gender, you can also be sure their interest in you won't be strictly romantic.
Don't fear the past; embrace the future.
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Old September 2nd, 2010, 02:44 PM   #5
Domas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kraftykid View Post
You can be very thankful that after all those drugs you are still alive. The only words of wisdom I can give you is to seek the help of a therapist. It will be a hard walk to walk but well worth the effort.
I totally agree... When I read your story I was shocked
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Old September 2nd, 2010, 02:46 PM   #6
Domas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April View Post
Love helped me. Find a place full of nice people, like a support group, church, or a good social club. Learning to love other people was the first step in learning to love myself. I also found that in learning to love others and seeking out their good points, after a while I started to forget my own insecurities. If you start with people of the same gender, you can also be sure their interest in you won't be strictly romantic.
Don't fear the past; embrace the future.
That true, love to yourself and to God will help you!
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Old September 6th, 2010, 04:14 PM   #7
Angel-Sue
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Wow sweetheart...I was actually torn inside to read what you have gone through. We all have a story don't we? Something that changes us forever.....but the good news is this...You ARE a good person. The things that happen to us does NOT define who we are from this moment on. YOU have the power to make changes and get beyond all of this. Even to share your story here took courage, so you have the strength to begin anew. I don't know if you believe in God or not,,,but I do. I lost my youngest daughter to a terminal brain disease 8 years ago...it was amazing to witness the things I did throughout the illness and afterwards. So I ASSURE you, there IS a God...HE loves you and WILL help you. You need to seek support and someone stable, perhaps a mental health department at the local hospital, or a clegy ata Bible-based church to work with you.
You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you. Begin NOW to restore your body and mind, knowing this is NOT the end of the road for you. It IS the begining! You have so much to look forward to.
it is NEVER easy....but then, the best results come from the hardest work. I know someone personally who is having there mind just twisted by thoughts and 'evil' things and they have given up on life. It kills me, but all I can do is remain his friend and love him in spite of what he is going through...because no one can help someone who does not want the help.
You need to know you need help, and get it. Let the healing and forgiveness begin. You must forgive yourself, forgive those who hurt you...and that may take awhile, but to hold onto hate and anger just destroys us, no one else...and then you can move forward.
Much Love and prayers to you! Angel-Sue
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