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Old October 4th, 2010, 09:54 AM   #1
ToThineOwnSelf
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 2
Unhappy Tmj

I'm struggling to rebuild my confidence while unemployed, recovering from malnutrition (I used to live in China), and grieving the loss of my ex. He's alive. He cheated on me. After years of smaller betrayals and pain. I could never trust him. He thought he deserved trust. Anyway.

TMJ makes this recovery difficult because even on my best days, days when I'm full of energy and want to get things done to improve my health and my ability to obtain work (example: go to the gym, or work on online courses I'm doing) if my TMJ is bad...I can't do it.

The pain starts at my jaw, moves around to my eyes, and gets so intense that I basically turn into and idiot. My accuracy on my homework drops and I miss really really simple things I should not. And I hate myself for that. My coordination goes out the window. I drop things. I can't drive. I can barely get myself home, to bed, and painkillers.

I feel trapped, crippled, and isolated. I live in the country, not a city, so I have to make a serious effort to see ANYONE. I can go days without talking to anyone, if I don't feel physically able to drag myself into town.

I know it's succumbing to a purely capitalist view, and a very judgemental one, but I feel worthless because I can't work. And I can't keep up with the popular people. I feel like they all know I'm an ugly, crippled failure and that's all people will see in me, when I want to be seen as so much more. I want to volunteer, and be a good friend, and work hard to contribute to a team in the workforce, and be self-sufficient financially.

Watching myself fail again and again is so painful. I don't have cancer. I look normal-ish to most people. How do I explain this? I need to get help and fix my teeth so my jaws align, but I can't afford it unless I get a job. I can't hold down a job unless I fix my teeth.

I used to drink A LOT to numb both pains -- the TMJ and my self-loathing. I had convinced myself there is more to life, and that I am capable of so much more. It's such a disappointment to learn that I am not. My faith in myself was misplaced. What do you do when you can't even put faith in YOURSELF? I hate my body.
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