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Old December 30th, 2008, 05:38 AM   #1
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Default I don't know what to think.....

When I was 13, and 18 year old guy who i'd met only once made me give him oral sex. This was my first experience past making out. As I grew from elementary to middle to high school, it became clear I was developing a severe anxiety disorder so in HS I began treatment for it. The Dr. overmedicated me with benzos (ativan, klonopin, etc..) and mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics (most of which i didn't need) at doses that they don't even give to vietnam veterans. I also smoked pot, drank, and started experimenting with drugs like many high schoolers do. As a freshman, i met a sophmore who i really came to like, so much that a year later right before i turned 16, we lost our virginities to each other. but he always kept me a secret to EVERYONE, for almost 3 years (including after he graduated). this tore away at me and definitely contributed to my increased drug use, mostly alcohol, my prescription pills, pot, coke, and mushrooms. I don't have a lot of memory of what happened that year until i was hospitalized for problems with the prescriptions (i knew it was coming so i was able to have clean drug tests except pot). but during the fuzzy times i have two distinct memories of 1. a night where i was very messed up, and woke up in a dealer's bed with no memory whatsoever of the last night and blood on my thighs. 2. a different older man, and being in a room with him where we were getting intimate, but then he tied me up and started hitting me, and i was crying.... and thats where the memory ends. I don't know if that makes me a victim or just a druggie slut. Now i feel like a sexual object to any man who is interested, and then those who genuinely like me scare me. I haven't had a long term relationship ever. I have had only one or two boyfriends who lasted past a month. I am scared that my past is going to ruin the rest of my life because i have become more and more introverted and i feel like i'm losing any grip i had on being a social, fun, outgoing person. If anyone can relate to this, any words of wisdom?
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